everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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