you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
