Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
