just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
