A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
