you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
