I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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