I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
