my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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