You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
