if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
