saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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