did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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