I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize