I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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