I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.