I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
