She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
