How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
