Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
This is the prime rib incident all over again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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