This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
