How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
