What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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