I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
