I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
