Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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