Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
