If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
