i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
