i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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