Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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