they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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