Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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