i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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