Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
