y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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