So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
