Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
