So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
