Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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