life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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