This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
