I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
