I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
