I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
