So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
