remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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