I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
