i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
