Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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