Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
