Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
