Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
