My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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